Residual

I wasn't as excited as I normally am to come home this week. When I had booked my flight home I had all these plans for things that I was going to do here. Long before I left to come here those plans fell apart. It took the wind out of me. It wasn't my main reason for coming here but it was very important to me.

Friday morning when I was in my Mom's car driving to pick up my Grandmother it was a bright sunny blue sky. In that moment I was reminded about what it was I missed about home. I was truly happy to be home.

There were so many things I wanted to do but this trip was not for that purpose. So I will have to wait till I'm back here for Easter.

I love my Grandmother but when I'm with her the question of when I'm going to get married inevitably comes up. This question seems absolutely ridiculous since I don't even have a boyfriend right now. Her only wish is to see me get married before she dies. I know she means well but her question always makes me feel like a failure.

I'm old enough to know that you can't do something for someone else. I also know that you can't fall in love and get married on a schedule. Life doesn't work that way. I don't want it to either. I only feel like a failure because I think that my inability to meet someone who wants to date me proves I'm unworthy of having a good relationship. Logically I know that this idea is ridiculous but the sensitive part of my psyche wonders what other reason there could be.

I don't have the answers. I don't know why men always leave me for other women. I know I'm a good person. I'm not a perfect one, but I try my best to be kind, thoughtful, generous, loving and unselfish. But I do know that life isn't fair and being a good person doesn't mean you deserve love.